Me: The Lie of the Self and The Necessity of the Organized Identity

The first thing you need to know about me is that I do not exist. I, Jim, as well as my essay that you are currently reading are figments of your imagination placed here before you to teach you some sort of lesson. That lesson can be as simple and harmless as “reading is a nice way to pass the time” or as harsh and sinister as “some people are confusing and weird and I resent that their voices exist for me to engage with.” Whatever lesson arises is an important one. Or it is not. That is really not for me to say.

What is for me to say is a little bit more about myself. Unfortunately though, as I mentioned in the opening sentence of this essay, I do not exist. This leaves us at quite an impasse. And so, for the sake of convenience and simplicity, I will play along with the lie of the self as much as I can for the remainder of this essay.

WHO AM I?

That is a difficult question. Wait, no, play along, that’s right. Who am I? What an easy question! I am James. Sometimes I am Jim. Sometimes Jimbo. But the law is the law and the law says I am James.

GREAT, YOU ARE JAMES. NOW WHO IS JAMES?

James is me. I am James. It’s this right here. This stuff is James. These are James’s words. They are expressive of James’s thoughts. That being said, James is not his thoughts. Sorry, rather I am not my thoughts. I experience my thoughts, sure, but they are not me. And if that is true, which it is, then my words are not me either. So, I take back what I said earlier. This stuff is not James. These are words which are representative of James’s thoughts which are things that James experiences, like the weather.

OKAY, SO THEN WHO IS JAMES?

Well, I guess that question is not as simple as I thought. And frankly the answer could change depending on who you are asking. If you asked my mom “Who is James?” she would say “My brother or my son?” If you asked my brother “Who is James?” he would say “How do you know James? Did you go to college with him?” If you asked my fiancee “Who is James?” she would say “Do you mean Jim?” and if you asked God “Who is James?” he would say “A fisherman probably. Or not. I do not know. Who cares. Go do something.”

Thankfully you are not asking any of those people or entities. You are asking me, the man himself, the thing itself, the organized atoms known as James/ Jim/ Jimbo. So who is James? He’s kinda like a normal kind of guy.

WELL, WHAT DOES HE DO?

Ahh, now we’re getting somewhere. So a person is their actions? In that case I am a breather, walker, eater, and sleeper. Shitter, pisser, puker, crier sometimes as well. Those are the things I definitely do no matter WHAT. If though, by some chance, I am more than my actions. If I am, and stay with me here, also my passions then I would have to adjust my answer. In that sense I am an artist and person. My art being my expression from within and my personhood being how I am perceived by the outside. I feel these two things describe me best.

SO, JAMES IS AN ARTIST?

Sure.

WHAT TYPES OF ART DOES HE MAKE?

I do not understand that question.

LIKE DOES JAMES PAINT OR DRAW OR MAKE SCULPTURES?

Yes, he is an artist.

WELL DOES HE PLAY MUSIC OR MAKE FILMS OR WRITE POETRY AND STORIES AND THINGS?

Are those things art?

YES.

Well, then I imagine James does them.

CAN I SEE SOME OF IT?

Maybe later.

OKAY.

Is there anything else you would like to ask me about James?

JUST ONE THING. AT THE BEGINNING OF ALL OF THIS YOU SAID YOU DO NOT EXIST.

That is correct.

CORRECT THAT YOU SAID THAT OR CORRECT THAT YOU DON’T EXIST?

Both.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T EXIST? DIDN’T YOU WRITE THIS? DIDN’T YOU PUT YOUR NAME ON IT? DIDN’T YOU SEND THIS WHOLE STUPID THING AROUND TO PEOPLE JUST TO REMIND THEM THAT YOU EXIST?

I suppose that’s true. I didn’t think of it that way.

WELL, HOW DID YOU THINK OF IT THEN?

I didn’t. You did.

WHAT?

Finally! A good question!

I AM TIRED OF THIS. CAN YOU TELL ME ONE THING YOU LIKE BEFORE I GO SO I FEEL LIKE I LEARNED ANYTHING AT ALL POSITIVE?

Again, I do not exist. It is important that this fact is clear. But again, to play along and name one thing that “I, James” like I would say that I like the music of Billy Strings. I would be happy to show you a song of his. I consider Billy’s music and the emotions it evokes important aspects of my organized identity.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Organized identity?

YEAH.

It’s my way of describing the necessary form we take in this realm in order to have a basic reality to play, interact with, and learn lessons from.

BUT WHAT IS AN ORGANIZED IDENTITY?

It isn’t really one thing. It’s a summation of different things. Your name is part of an organized identity. Your job, hometown, hobbies. Your political views, faiths, fears, desires. These are all parts of an organized identity. They are perceptions, fantasies, clouds that you have attached your weight to in order to feel part of this world. That isn’t a bad thing but it is a thing and things are worth recognizing. The truth is we’re all atoms, molecules smashing together like ocean waves. We are light and light alone. We are separate yet one. Let me put it this way. Does a wave exist or is it simply the wind sweeping across the ocean? Whatever your answer, you’re right.

So, organized identity is my version of being an ocean wave. I am water and wind and sound all at once. In my view to live is to move. I tend to move towards the things that further move me. My family and friends, my art and my music, nature, mystery, the eternal WHY of it all. These things move me, that movement reminds me I am alive, being alive reminds me that I exist, existing reminds me I do not exist which reminds me I should move again and the circle continues.

OKAY. SO, DO I HAVE AN ORGANIZED IDENTITY?

Well, do you have things in this life that you love?

YES.

Can you name them?

YES.

Then that means that yes, you have an organized identity.

OH.

But that also means you are alive.

I KNEW THAT.

But it’s nice to be reminded once in a while isn’t it?

I SUPPOSE IT IS.

Would you like to hear that Billy Strings song?

YES I WOULD.

Gone a Long Time by Billy Strings